


to speak or to die (in which Remus Lupin chooses to do both)

by girl_in_blue



Category: Call Me By Your Name - All Media Types, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-05
Updated: 2020-03-04
Packaged: 2021-02-26 11:01:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22577101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/girl_in_blue/pseuds/girl_in_blue
Summary: When 21-year-old university student Sirius Black comes to stay with 17-year-old Remus Lupin for the summer, Remus is forced to rethink every aspect of his life, from his strong prejudice against inbred Londoners to the way that he eats fruit to his sexuality.a.k.a The CMBYN Wolfstar AU that nobody asked for.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 5
Kudos: 15





	1. the beginning of borrowed time

**Author's Note:**

> CMBYN just came out on Netflix, so I found myself getting pulled back into the fandom. This AU has been on the tip of my tongue since I first read the book and I finally put it into words.
> 
> Also- I made Sirius 21 in this mainly due to a typo that I forgot to fix, but the age gap in CMBYN always irked me a bit (and yes, I know that this age gap was a huge part of Elio and Oliver's relationship, but I thought it could be different here).

part 1: the beginning of borrowed time

Time was a concept that would perpetually fascinate Remus Lupin. The way it stopped for no man and would never end, ever, kept him up more nights than he would like to admit. Tonight was one of the nights. He lay in bed, clothes sticking to his skin and breath mingling uncomfortably in the hot room as thoughts whirred through his head. The windows were flung open and bugs came and went, but Remus tried to ignore the incessant buzzing as he tried to collect his thoughts.

In less than one day, 24 hours, a new person would be living in his house. No matter how hard he wished and worried, time would continue until the new boy would knock on his door. It was frightening really, how much could change in such a short span of time. Remus tried to slow his thoughts to the pace of his reluctant heart, breathing in and out with deep breaths and tapping his thumbs lightly on his bare stomach. He rolled over slightly, eyes drawing to the clock on his nightstand. 11:37. He had told his father that all of his clothes and knick-knacks would be out of his room by 10:00 the next morning. Remus groaned when he realized that he had 11 hours until this room would not be his anymore. The defiant part of his brain told him to act out; stake his claim on his room and refuse to leave (it’s not important how this would be done, but peeing on the bed was definitely not one of the things his brain suggested). The normal part of his brain scolded him for these thoughts; it would do no good to pee on the bed or break the windows or paint on the walls. 

So, Remus rolled back onto his back and took a deep breath, letting his eyes close and his subconscious sink away into time itself. And time did not stop for any man, especially not Remus Lupin, so the hours counted by until his mother was knocking on his door to wake him up.

By the time that 10:00 came around, Remus had convinced himself that he had somehow acquired more clothing than he actually owned. His arms were full of old shirts and stiff jeans that he hadn’t worn in years when the car pulled up. Remus rushed to his summer room, dumping the clothes on the bed without a second glance. He picked up a loose sock and chucked it over his shoulder as he craned his neck out of the window. He heard his father greet the boy and his mother offer him a glass of water. 

“Thank you, Mrs. Lupin,” the boy’s voice was silky and poised. Remus cringed at the thought of another stuck up, inbred rich boy coming for the summer. He had been ready to put a bullet in his brain the last time one of them had stayed. 

“Please call me Hope,” his mother replied automatically. “You must be tired from all that travelling. My son, Remus, can help you to your room.” She said the last sentence in a loud voice, head subtly turning to look at Remus hanging awkwardly out of his window. Remus turned slightly red before ducking out of his room and sliding across the marble floors to the staircase. He tried not to slip as he bolted down them, narrowly missing a vase as he rounded a corner.

“Want me to take your bag?” the words were out of his mouth within seconds of approaching the boy, autopilot engaged. Remus smiled cautiously as he tried to scan the boy, eyes wandering up and down his body. He was fit alright, with shoulder-length black hair that seemed too silky to be real. He wore a simple green button-down shirt paired rather strangely with a pair of short shorts. His socks were pulled all the way up and his white shoes were scuffed. There was something about him that made Remus want to look away. So, when he opened his mouth and spoke, a flurry of fear rose in Remus’s chest.

“Oh- that’s no problem. If you could just show me where to put my stuff, I should be fine,” the boy smiled lightly and picked up the leather bag lying next to his feet. Remus realized with a start what made this boy so different from all the others- he was a boy. Not a young adult, blossoming awkwardly into a man (or however much of a man that an archaeologist could be). He was young, like a breath of fresh air. 21, at the most. 

“I’m Remus, by the way.”

“Sirius. Black. Sirius Black.” he stumbled through his words as he followed Remus up the stairs. “Is it always this hot?”

“Yeah. It’s not too bad at night, though. Just shed a few layers and you’ll only wake up in a pool of your own sweat 50% of the time.” Remus took the stairs quickly, awkwardly lingering as Sirius struggled with his large bag. “I can take that if you want. It’s really no problem.”

Sirius chuckled slightly before shaking his head. He continued up the stairs, breathing heavily enough to make the hairs on Remus’s arm stand up in a way that Remus didn’t quite understand. When he reached the top, he blew his hair out of his face with a loud huff. His forehead had small beads of sweat dripping down it and Remus resisted the urge to wipe them off.  
“Is it hot where you’re from?” he asked, trying to gauge if Sirius was the proper, noble boy he looked to be. 

“The hottest London’s ever gotten is about half what it is here,” Sirius looked around the house as he spoke, eyes never landing directly on Remus’s. “I feel overdressed.” 

Remus chuckled a bit at this, gesturing as he walked to his (Sirius’s) room. The windows in the room were wide open, a slight breeze ruffling the mussed up bedsheets and candy wrappers littering the floor.

“Shit. I’m sorry- this is my room for the rest of the year but dad thinks it’s best that the guest doesn’t have to go through the bathroom to go to bed. I was supposed to have my stuff out earlier but I got distracted and now you have dirty sheets and garbage. There’s probably more stuff in the cupboards if you look hard enough. Fuck- I’m so sorry,” Remus was rambling, hands pulling lightly at his hair as he tried not to panic. Some host he was- the boy hadn’t even been there an hour and he had already made a fool out of himself. He moved to start picking up the garbage, trying to stop himself from talking and digging himself deeper into the shitty host hole. Remus knew that his father’s guests usually didn’t like him- they just tolerated the lanky, pale boy that lived with Professor Lupin in exchange for a home for the summer. It was an unspoken rule that Remus would fulfil his role as clueless teenager- cracking awkward jokes and getting caught with girls at inappropriate times- to help make the Lupin household seem more welcoming. Nothing chased guests off faster than a dysfunctional 17-year-old boy.

“You don’t have to do that-” Sirius reached down and pulled on Remus’s shoulder to pull him off the floor. “It’s really no problem. I’m a university student. The mess makes it feel more like home.”

Remus felt relief wash over his body. His shoulder tingled slightly from where Sirius had toughed it- it was probably the heat that was making him feel things. He showed Sirius around the rest of the house rather quickly, giving him a glimpse into their shared bathroom and the various rooms lining the hallway. He told Sirius about his parents, how his mother never went out without her sunglasses and how his father never stopped talking about archaeology and had to constantly be reminded that not everybody found old sculptures fascinating. Sirius laughed a bit at this, shaking his head as he replied confidently with “I’m going to have to side with your father on this. It’s doing nobody harm to learn about our past.”

The two wandered out of the house to where Hope and Lyall were eating a late lunch. Hope immediately smiled, pushing back a chair to welcome Sirius. Lyall was staring rather intently at a large pile of papers, barely acknowledging Sirius’s presence as he sunk down into the chair.

“I’d ask for you help on these but I’m assuming that you’re pretty exhausted from your travels,” Lyall still didn’t look up as he spoke these words. Remus tried to stifle a laugh as Hope swatted him on the arm. His mother didn’t play when it came to guests. “After this, you go get a good night’s sleep so we can be up early tomorrow. I have something exciting prepared for your first day here.”  
“That sounds good, sir,” Sirius yawned slightly as he spoke. “Thank you.” 

Hope smiled when he said that, giving Lyall a strict ‘if he can be polite, you can be polite’ look. Lyall’s expression took one of pride and importance when Sirius uttered the word ‘sir’ and Remus wanted to personally scold Sirius for inflating his father’s ego like that. Remus knew he wouldn’t hear the end of his father’s excitement over this (he remembered his father’s exact words from two years ago when the first inbred Londoner had stayed: “Now that is a boy that knows how to respect adults. Remus, you should take notes.”).

“Sirius, there should be some new sheets for you in the cupboard. I’m assuming that Remus didn’t get around to changing them this morning, but it shouldn’t take more than ten minutes to swap them out. If you want to go up now, just put the old sheets on the bathroom floor. Remus will take care of them,” Hope instructed. Sirius smiled at her before pushing his chair back.  
“I’ll see you all tomorrow, then,” he announced as he walked back into the house. “Later.”

And Remus watched him go, suppressing the part of him that wanted to follow. He relished the way that Sirius said that word- ‘later’. It was so very not inbred-Londoner of him. So, Remus tried to rethink this boy. He tried to understand the way he talked, the way he laughed, the way he walked, and the way he dressed. By the end of the night, Remus had re-thought Sirius so many times that Sirius’s name was the last thing on his mind as he succumbed to sleep.


	2. zwischen immer und nie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An introduction to Lily, an invitation to dinner to somewhat unwanted guests, and a conversation ( that leaves Remus with feelings he doesn't understand.

When Remus awoke the next morning, he lay in bed for far too long, contemplating what his summer would be. He didn’t dare to check the clock on his bedside table, knowing that the implications of time would disrupt his thoughts. However, his thoughts were driven off course at the sounds of Sirius fumbling in his room. Remus groaned as he rolled over, deciding that his thoughts were too far gone for time to take them away. He glanced quickly at the clock (11:54) before rolling over and grabbing the closest shirt off the floor. He could hear his mother and father sitting at the table, his mother with a book in front of her and his father with dozens of papers. 

The worst part of the summer guests was the bathroom situation. It was difficult enough to share a bathroom with a complete stranger, but the fact that Remus couldn’t leave his room before going through the bathroom made things awkward most of the time. He had seen far too many grown men peeing in the middle of the night to be appropriate. So, he made sure to knock extra loud before opening the door carefully. He let out a sigh of relief when Sirius was nowhere to be seen.

Remus made his way down the stairs, smiling and kissing his mother on the head as he walked past her. He grabbed a peach off the table, not stopping to talk. Of course, his parents would have none of that. 

“Where are you off to?” His mother smiled fondly at him as she asked.

“Lily invited me over. She claims to have found a new piece for me to play on the piano,” Remus replied, taking a bite of the peach and trying not to let its juice run down his face and fingers.

“Be back by 5. Your father wants a family dinner with Sirius. Maybe you can play this ‘new piece’ that Lily has found,” Hope chuckled a bit, knowing that Remus probably had whatever piece Lily had found memorized. Remus nodded at her and waved goodbye before taking off. It wasn’t a far walk to Lily’s house but the wet heat had sweat dripping down his back by the time he opened her rusty gate and knocked on her door. To his dismay, her sister Petunia answered. 

“She’s in the kitchen. Try not to make too much noise.” Petunia’s sentences were short and bossy, very unlike her sister’s kind way of speaking. Petunia was very much out of place in their small town; she had big dreams that somehow convinced her that everybody else in Crema was unworthy of respect simply because they were content with their small lives. She had been living in London for the past few years, only coming back to flaunt her engagement to a man that looked remarkably like a whale. Remus tried not to flinch at her high pitched voice and smiled uncomfortably before rushing through the house to Lily’s kitchen. She sat on the countertop, staring at a sheet of paper with concentration similar to when she read an exam at school.

“I really don’t think you’ve ever played this piece before, Re,” she didn’t bother greeting him. “I think I would remember you learning it. You grumble like an old man if there’s anything faster than an eighth note.”

“I absolutely do not.” He took it from her hands, immediately regretting it as the stick peach juice stained the edges. “Why do you challenge yourself to such an impossible task, Lils. It is very well known that I have played every single classical piano piece ever written.”

“I don’t understand how such a large ego can fit in such a small body,” Lily hopped off the counter and pulled Remus out to the apple orchard in her backyard. She stopped quickly and turned to him, eyes lighting up with malicious curiosity. “Has the new boy arrived yet, Remus?”

He tried to ignore the smirk on her face and the rolling of his stomach at the thought of Sirius. He nodded to answer her question, trying to seem uninterested in the subject. 

“Remus! I need more information than a nod. What’s his name? What does he look like? Do you think he’d like Marlene? Her boyfriend just dumped her,” Lily tried to casually slip the last bit in, but Remus knew her too well to think that she hadn’t been planning to ask him that for days.

“His name is Sirius. He’s from London and has that annoying posh accent that Petunia pretends to have. I’m pretty sure his family is like descended from some archduke and that his mother and his father were cousins. And I don’t know if he’d like Marlene. Everybody likes Marlene, so I don’t see how that would be a problem.”

“Yeah, but is he...you know?” Lily arched her eyebrows, a faint blush spreading across her face. Remus pretended to be scandalized.

“Lily Evans! You have a boyfriend! But,” Remus tried to formulate his thoughts on the attractiveness of the guest. “Yeah, he’s hot. He looks like one of those singers that you have hung up on your wall. Long hair, fit. He reminds me of James if James hated his mother.”

“A boy that hates his mother. Right up Marlene’s alley,” Lily giggled and took a sip from the apricot juice on the table beside her. “When can I meet him?”

Part of Remus wanted to forbid Lily from meeting Sirius; deep down, he figured Sirius would much prefer the company of a pretty girl than a scrawny and pale 17-year-old boy. But, Lily had a boyfriend (and never stopped talking about him when he wasn’t there- Remus was pretty sure he had heard James’s name leave Lily’s mouth more times than his own) and spent most of her time studying (she was planning to be a scientist and constantly had some biology or chemistry textbook with her) and hanging out with Marlene- none of which would appeal to the mysterious Sirius. Lily must have seen the conflict on Remus’s face and smiled warmly. She reached out and patted his arm softly, a silent agreement passing between them- Sirius was Remus’s to befriend that summer. 

“My mum will probably combust if she doesn’t see you anytime soon- come over for dinner tonight?” Remus asked. Lily would be good dinner company, with her easy ability to speak to strangers and maturity that made adults not believe that she was only seventeen. “Mum promised Sirius pasta. I’m pretty sure he thinks that and pizza are Italy’s only food exports.”

Lily took another sip of her apricot juice before answering.

“I’ll be there. 7 o’clock?” Remus nodded and Lily started to stand up. “I have two more chapters to revise before this weekend. Alice won’t forgive me if I fall behind again.” Alice, a short girl with blonde hair and a round face that in no way matched her intimidating personality, was Lily’s summer biology tutor. “Can I bring Marlene?”

“Why not? The more the merrier.” Remus tried not to sound too unsupportive of the idea. He squashed down the dark part of his brain that that knew Marlene would be a perfect fit for Sirius. Remus hadn’t talked much to Sirius but based on the way he dressed and his long black hair and flirtatious smile Remus knew that Marlene would fall head over heels within seconds. And Remus figured Sirius wouldn’t object to Marlene’s affection- what 21 year old would say no to an attractive (Remus personally didn’t really see it, but he had seen Marlene pressed up against enough walls by a variety of boys to know that others did) 18-year-old girl. 

“Calm down, Remus. I can see you digging yourself into a hole. I was just joking earlier. I’m pretty sure Marlene has already scored her foreign conquest of the summer. She was telling me about a boy named Benjy something that’s visiting from Scotland. You can have precious Sirius to himself.” Remus tried not to look relieved as Lily spoke. “Is his name really Sirius. What kind of parents would do that to their poor child?”

“Lils, my name is literally Remus Lupin. I don’t think we’re really in the place to bully him about his name.” Remus had to feel slightly empathetic towards Sirius, having gone through eleven years of schooling with a name that sounded straight out of a poorly written fantasy novel.

“Ok, Wolfy.” Lily snorted as Remus shot her a death glare. “So...I’ll see you at seven?”

“Very subtle, Lily. You could just ask me to leave if you want me gone. I know when I’m not wanted.” Remus made a big show of looking offended before he turned to walk back into the house. He waved goodbye without turning around and slipped through Lily’s garden gate. He winced as it squeaked a bit as he opened it, hoping the noise wouldn’t awaken the Evans family beast that was Petunia. Come to think of it, the squeaky gate sounded remarkably like Petunia’s voice when she was upset or angry or just talking in general. Remus didn’t know how Lily lived with her and hadn’t cut the older girl’s voice box out yet. He walked home quickly, regretting not putting on sunscreen or bringing his sunglasses with him. 

When he stepped through his front door, he made a beeline for his father’s study. He knew his mother would be in there, draped casually across the small sofa with a cup of tea and a book. She looked up when he entered, sitting straighter and motioning for him to sit beside her.

“How’s Lily? I never see that girl anymore,” Hope asked.

“She’s good. Studying, you know the drill. She’s somehow convinced herself she’s not smart enough for university and has read every textbook for next year that she can get her hands on.”  
Hope laughed a little. Lily was like a daughter to her and Lily often considered Hope as her second mother. Lily had a slightly strained relationship with her family, being the only one that left for boarding school in Scotland when September began. Remus, Lily, and Marlene were the only kids out of Crema that were shipped off to the slightly elite school they attended. That was the main reason Petunia hated Remus and Lily so much; they were only eleven and smarter than the average kid when they applied to Hogwarts. Petunia hadn’t gotten in the year before and blamed Lily for that. 

“Are you supposed to be studying, Remus? I’ve barely seen you pick up a textbook in the past few weeks,” Hope’s eyes settled back on her book as she spoke. 

Remus cringed a bit. He had spent the first few weeks of summer break reading and swimming and avoiding the topic of school. He had read every book in his father’s study at least twice but refused to read a sentence from any of his school books. 

“I’ll survive, mum. What are you reading?” He changed the subject.

“One of your father’s philosophy books. I want to be able to discuss the topic with your Lyall and Sirius if they ask.” 

“Speaking of father and Sirius, would it be okay if Lily and Marlene joined us for dinner tonight? I promised Lily pasta,” Remus knew his mother wouldn’t mind, but he always felt irresponsible if any of his friends showed up for a meal without asking his mother first.

“Of course, sweetie. Your father should be back soon if you need company before we eat.”

Remus nodded and wandered out of the room, deciding he could read one of the books in his bedroom again for entertainment. He walked up the stairs slowly, letting the coolness of the house and the marble floors wash over him and still the sweat dripping down his back. Remus wasn’t expecting Sirius to be home, so he didn’t knock on the bathroom door before walking through to his room. 

“Jesus Christ! Ever heard of knocking?” Remus jumped as Sirius spoke, immediately putting his hand in front of his eyes and turning bright red.

“Shit. Sorry. I didn’t think you’d be home,” Remus stumbled over his words, resisting the urge to lower his hand and look Sirius in the eye as he spoke.

“You can put your hand down, I was just washing my hands,” Sirius’s posh accent wasn’t as thick anymore, sounding more like the boys at Remus’s school than the fancy inbreeder that Remus had assumed. Remus lowered his hand and almost immediately regretted it. It wasn’t unusual to wear only a swimsuit during the summer, but the simple red trunks looked magnificently indecent on Sirius. Remus’s face turned even brighter and he prayed that Sirius didn’t notice how flustered he was.

“Are you going swimming?” Remus blurted. He slapped himself in his head. No, Remus, his little voice head, he’s just wearing swim trunks to read books and discuss sculptures with my father.   
“I was actually wondering if you’d join me. Your father said that you know the best places to swim in the warm weather,” Sirius almost looked nervous to ask Remus this, a hopeful look spreading across his face.

“Um. Ok. Just let me change,” Remus muttered. Sirius’s face split into a grin and he moved to the side to let Remus walk by. Remus closed his door firmly, leaning back against it. Why was his heart beating so fast? Remus shook his head violently, trying to rid the strange feeling in his chest. He searched his room for his favourite swim trunks, slipping into them as fast as possible. He didn’t want to make Sirius wait too long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this took long to update- the first semester of school ended last week for me and I had a billion assignments every day for the last few weeks (the IB is going to kill me). But, I hope you enjoy and I'll try to update more often if possible :) <3


End file.
